Exploring Adoption

(Adapted from CBS News)

Adopting a child can be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling things people can do. Whether they adopt because they can't have children of their own, or because they want to give a child a good home, most adoptive parents are eternally thankful for the opportunity. Each year, 127,000 children are adopted in the U.S., according to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse. Adoptions can be formal or informal. "Formal adoption," says the clearinghouse, "occurs when a legal recognition of a parental relationship is made. Informal adoption is "when the birth mother allows another person (or persons), usually another family member, to take parental responsibility for her child without obtaining legal approval or recognition of that arrangement." Most adoptive parents, the organization adds, are 31 to 40 and members of two parent families, but a growing number are 41 to 49, the organization adds. Referring to the interviews, background checks, paperwork and bureaucratic process involved with adopting a child, the first tip for prospective adoptive parents is to persevere, be patient and do their homework. Any difficulties and stress or strains that you have been through will disappear with the first hug," Thomas Atwood, president of the National Council for Adoption, an adoption research, education and advocacy organization. (http://www.ncfa-usa.org/) "I am an adoptive father and I can vouch for what every adoptive parent says, which is they can not possibly love that child more if it was a biological child of theirs," says Atwood, who adopted his son, who is now 13, when he was less than a month old. "The reasons why people adopt vary," Atwood explains, "but the most common reason is to love and parent a child. The other is compassion -- to give a better life to a child in need. The compassion aspect enters into foster care."

Different Types of Adoption

There are three types of adoption: infant, foster and international.

Infant

The domestic infant adoption has the reputation of being difficult. "Maybe it isn't as difficult as you think," Atwood suggests. "You really need you to do your homework. Maybe it isn't as difficult as you hear." People who want to adopt a child can go through an adoption agency or an attorney. Atwoods says the person or agency you consult will tell you if your profile is one that a birth parent will be interested in. Birth parents are very involved today, he notes. They will pick the parent with counseling based on age, income, length of marriage, stability of marriage, siblings and pictures of the home. The attorney or agency will also tell you how long you may have to wait.

Foster care

These children are usually older (on average 8 or 9 years old). Infants are rarely available through the foster system because they don't usually get removed from their families that quickly and there is a bureaucracy to go through, which takes time. There is a process that foster children need to go through before they are available for adoption. Parental rights need to be terminated. Sometimes the government can move very slowly. "The typical way to adopt here is to be a foster parent of the child, with the hope and plan to adopt," Atwood notes. "But there is some uncertainty. The foster child may be reunited with the birth parents and the foster parents may never see him or her again." To those who are concerned about adopting children who are in foster care, Atwood says, "Most children who are adopted out of foster care do just great and make the transition well. Many of them have been through a lot and maybe lived in several foster care places. They have been removed because of neglect, abuse or abandonment, but it's not something that love and wisdom can't overcome." He encourages people to think of adopting foster kids.

International

Roughly one in six adoptions in the U.S. each year involve children from other nations. "Some couples turn to international adoptions because they know they will be able to adopt a young child, not always as young as an infant, but frequently between 9 and 18 months old," says Atwood. "One aspect that attracts many people is the relative certainty that they will be able to adopt." They also can get a good idea how long they're going to have to wait to get a child. Parents who are concerned about how much they would have to be involved with the birth parents if they adopt domestically, find less involvement with them a good reason to adopt outside of the U.S. Also, an older couple may do so because they don't want to wait or they don't feel confident in their ability to adopt an infant domestically. There are many more couples that want to adopt infants than there are available infants in the U.S., Atwood points out. But abroad, it's the opposite. There are more children available for adoption than there are people willing to adopt. However, he cautions, there can be surprises. For example, Romania allowed thousands of children to be adopted in the past, but has now shut down adopting outside of their country. It's an issue of national pride. "There are people who oppose international adoption, who think it's better for a child to be in a desperate situation and an institution in their own country than to be adopted by loving parents," Atwood observes. Romania was told that if it did not shut down the adoptions of Romanian children by foreigners, it wouldn't be allowed into the European Union, Atwood reports. "They will couch this as protecting children from trafficking (stealing), which is rare and has been known to happen in developing countries," he adds. The top countries where international adoptions occur include China, Russia, Guatemala, South Korea, Kazakhstan and Ukraine.

Telling a child about being adopted

"Adoption is normal and healthy, so we want to give that impression to our child from the beginning," Atwood says. "We talked to our son about it to him as a baby, so we would be comfortable with the word 'adoption.' It's very rare nowadays for adoptive parents not to tell their children they are adopted. Don't force it on them. Follow their lead and be honest and loving. They will get what they need in that way."  Atwood says adoptive parents should be respectful of birth parents and appreciate what they have done. "What the mother has done is a loving act," he says. "She was a good mother in making that decision. It wasn't abandonment. She couldn't give the loving stable family she wanted her child to have."

What if years later, the child wants to seek their birth parents?

"This is as personal as it can possibly be," he says. "Some children care a lot about who their birth parents are. Others don't, and then there are those children who have feelings in between.
"The bottom line, as I see it, is that, because of the diversity of personal views, we need to have a policy based on mutual consent among all parties. Public policy should not enable one party of the adoption to force themselves on another party of the adoption. There are ways of enabling adoptive children to connect with their birth parents through a mutual consent registry where both contacts inform the government they would like to be in contact. Every state has at least that and some states go further. A few states allow unconditional access to birth parent information. These states are Oregon, New Hampshire, Alaska, Kansas and Alabama.

Costs

Infant adoptions in the U.S. can cost from $10,000 to $35,000. The most typical costs run $15,000 to $25,000. Some adoption agencies have sliding scales based on the income of the adoptive parents.
International adoptions are $15,000 to 40,000. Average costs, including travel expenses, range from $18,000 to $28,000. Some countries require that both parents fly to the country where the child is from. Sometimes more than one trip to a foreign country is also necessary. "Adoption agencies are almost universally involved in the social services of serving children and families," Atwood notes. "Although the fees can sound high, adoption agencies don't make a lot of money. They have services to cover, such as salaries and expenses. These are social workers, who don't make a lot of money.
The cost to adopt through foster care is essentially $10,000, which the adoptive parent can consider free because the government subsidizes the adoption by paying the fees. If a foster child with special needs is being adopted, there will be additional expenses, which the government may subsidize as well. Atwood says it's important to check out the adoption agency and look at several. "There is a state licensing authority that can tell (prospective adoptive parents) if there have been any complaints. Call the Department of Social Services at the state level. The most important tip in selecting an agency is references. You want to look around and get references from other adoption parents. Look at several agencies. No wishful thinking allowed. People get all excited about adopting and they are full of love and it's easy for that to overcome common logical thinking. Ask questions. Don't base decisions on wishful thinking." Atwood calls attention to the "at risk placement" that is often done these days. This is when a child is placed with a family before the revocation period isn't over and the birth mother still can change her mind. "When you work with the birth mother beforehand, you have to be prepared that she can change her mind, even after she places it with you," he says. "Typically, the birth mother has less than 30 days to change her mind. When we adopted our son, it was more common that the agency would not place the child until the revocation period was over."

*Some parents who are considering adoption are concerned that the child may be addicted to drugs because of the birth mother. Atwood says the adoption agency that is supervising the adoption gets as much information as available and delivers it to the adoptive parents. He says, "Adoptive parents should ask those questions and be as realistic as they can be and ask themselves, 'Am I called to do this? Can I handle a child who may have inherited a drug-related problem?' It's really up to them. People shouldn't feel obligated to take on that challenge if they don't feel they can handle it."

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There are, however, several important psychological issues that arise after an adoption. Child psychologist Robin Goodman discusses a few of the ones parents must think about.

When to tell your child he or she was adopted

"No matter what the circumstances, there's always the pink elephant of when to tell and what to tell," Goodman says. "In general, the feeling is the sooner you tell your child, the better, but what happens is -- it's sort of the way parents get nuts about the sex talk with their kids -- adoptive parents feel the same sort of anxiety when they tell their child that he or she was adopted."

Here are a few ways to start the adoption dialogue with your child:

"Use the word adoption earlier on in their lives," Goodman advises. "If you don't talk about it, they'll feel that something is wrong. And if you don't start the dialogue early on, if you postpone it until they're older, they could resent you, and they could jump to other conclusions and accusations, such as, 'Well, what else did you lie to me about?'" However, it's not necessary to bring up the topic when the child is too young. "A preschooler doesn't necessarily understand things as complex as this. So tell your pre-schooler something like, 'You grew inside one lady and we made you our own baby when you came outside to grow up.' A young child may just need to hear he or she was born like everyone else (inside), and is not really asking those complex questions just yet. But when kids ask more questions about where babies come from, it will be a cue to add more to the discussion, Goodman suggests. Adoption today is not the same as adoption 20 years ago. "There are so many definitions of 'a family' these days," she says. "There are kids with four daddies, or five mommies. Adoption is not viewed as this strange, isolating thing anymore because there are so many atypical family situations today." And she stresses that even if it is not physically obvious to your child that he or she is adopted (as it is with children adopted from a different race), you still need to have the conversation early on.

How to have the conversation with your child

"It's a question of understanding and language," says Goodman. "If you use it in normal conversation early on, and you teach a young child what adoption means, it's an easier transition." A question your adoptive child may ask is: "Why didn't my mommy want me?" The way to answer it depends on the age of the child, Goodman says. "You can say, 'I'm the mommy that wanted you and loves you.' Or tell him or her: 'Mommies do different things when they have babies.' Explain the difference between having babies and loving babies." As they get older, your answer to that question depends on what you know about the birth parents. But, Goodman points out, even though adoptive parents should not give their child false information, they should not offer all the information, if that information is harmful for the child. For example, it's probably best not to give a child all the gory details about their birth mother's drug and alcohol abuse. Goodman also recommends using some of the numerous children's books about adoption to start the adoption conversation. "If a child sees a character in a book, and you talk about the fact that the character was adopted by a loving family, and you tell your child: 'So were you,' he or she will be able to relate. It won't be a question of: 'Oh, I'm so different from everyone else.' It'll be more like, 'Oh, OK, cool!'" And, she warns, "Don't be overly analytical of your child's response to the news that they're adopted. A lot of times, a kid just looks at parents and says, 'Alright, I get it.' And it's true. They're not covering; they're not trying to put on a brave face. If they say they're alright with it, chances are, they are OK." Goodman also says it's important to reassure adopted children that they didn't do anything "wrong" that caused them to be adopted.

Looking for the birth parents

As children get older, and they consider their own sense of self and their place in the world, they may want to know more and more about their birth parents, perhaps even going so far as to seek out their birth mother or father. "When kids are questioning who their birth parents are, it's important to realize that they're not rejecting the adoptive parents, but they simply want more information on themselves" Goodman says. "Adoptive parents should anticipate children wanting more information about their birth parents. Human nature makes you curious: do you look like your father? Do you act like your aunt, etc. Parents shouldn't look at it as a criticism; rather, it's a quest for self-understanding."
Goodman says if the child is old enough to decide to find his or her birth parents, there really is no reason for adoptive parents to get in the way: "Today, there are lots of adoptions: open adoptions where the birth parents are a part of the child's life, or the adoptive parents keep in contact with the birth parents in case the situation arises when their child wants to meet the birth parents." She also says, "Some kids who are struggling or have lots of questions may find comfort by talking to other adopted kids to get support and comfort. They can talk about their feelings about finding the person who gave birth to them with people experiencing the same feelings, and that often can be very helpful to a child."

When the child remembers the birth parents

In those cases in which the adopted child remembers the birth parents, Goodman recommends reassuring the child by pointing out that the birth parent or someone close wanted the best for the child, and that is why he or she was given up for adoption. Goodman notes, "Invariably, older adopted children will have to deal with more issues than those adopted at infancy. They'll have memories of a birth parent, and often these kids will still have an allegiance to that parent, which makes it a more challenging situation for adoptive parents. But this is not an insurmountable problem; with patience and love and understanding, these adoptive situations can work out beautifully." She adds that it is possible to get two variations on a theme when adopting an older child. "You could get a child who's just really thankful to be with a loving family," she says. "You could also get a child who is so thankful to be with a loving family that will turn out to be the perfectionist child. Such children will want everything to be absolutely perfect so that they won't be left again, or passed on to someone else. They just want to stay with you and will do everything in their power to make you happy. "The opposite, of course, is possible too, with the potential of adopting a child who is so hurt and angry with the birth parents, and so distrustful of anyone in a parental position, that he or she will lash out at you and just want to be bad. The two can look very different, but they actually come from the same place. It's this idea of not wanting to be passed on again, not wanting to be abandoned," Goodman explains.

*Considering the biological background

Today, with so many foreign adoptions, Goodman points out that it's also important to acknowledge an adopted child's biological background. "Children's history is their history forever," she says. "You can't erase it; it is eternally part of who they are. If you adopt a child from China, you may want to send him or her to a Chinese school to learn his or her native language. Or you may want to create a life history book, sort of like a baby book that shows the orphanage where you adopted them in their hometown in Russia, and a description of the town - whatever information about their past they may want to connect with at some point. Don't pretend it's not a part of who they are, because that will only breed resentment in the future."

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It used to be that when a man or woman reached a certain age and they weren't married, they accepted that they wouldn't have children. But that's changing. Today, more and more singles are adopting by themselves -- and not just women.

One such single adoptive parent, is Ken Regan, a principal for 25 years who had worked with children for most of his life, but had never had one of his own. "I decided that it's time to focus in and have one on my own. To have a child and be a full part of a child's life, not just the school hours of nine and four. I wanted to be part of a child. And I wanted a child to be part of me." So, Ken adopted, by himself. And now, at the end of each workday, he leaves his school and goes to another -- to meet his son, Michael. What was the turning point that led Ken, in his 50s, to adopt? "I guess, I don't want to say it was the clock, but I was looking at everybody else and saying, 'They have.' And I was career oriented and then moving ahead. And I just said "I'm ready." “I wanted this challenge." And being a single parent certainly has its challenges. "We'll be in a store and he'd run up the escalator. And the person at the top of the escalator would say, 'Where is your mother?' And he goes, 'I don't have one.' That kind of thing." Ken adopted Michael from China three years ago, becoming part of a growing trend in which more and more singles seek to become parents through international adoption.

“Certainly, it's changed a lot from the early 80s, when only two countries were allowing single people to adopt," says Lee Varon, who adopted her son, Jose, from El Salvador twenty years ago. A decade later, she adopted daughter Julia from Russia. Her parenting experiences and background as a family counselor led Varon to write "Adopting on Your Own." "It's not just like adding another activity onto your busy schedule. It changes your relationships with your friends, with your family, with how you interact with your community." And Varon stresses that close relationships with friends and family are the keys to successfully adopting as a single. "With couples, they do have that built-in other adult to sort of negotiate things with, talk things over with. Single people really need to create that for themselves."

"Having a support network was the most crucial thing for me. You can't do it 24 hours," reflects Michelle Savage who, at 42, adopted daughter Maddie from Russia last year.
Savage developed a support group back home, which included friends who have also recently adopted. But, while friendships are important, they're not the same as having a two-parent family. Asked if she ever feels guilty that Maddie doesn't have a father, Savage replied, "I wouldn't say I feel guilty, because it's not my fault. But I think it will get more difficult as she gets older, the fact that she doesn't have a father. …I would love to get married and have a father for Maddie, and I've dated since the adoption, so I don't think it's impossible."  Even if Savage doesn't get married, she believes raising Maddie as a single parent beats Maddie being left alone in a Russian orphanage, and that both of their lives have improved since they met. "She's so much fun to come home to," Savage says. "And you know, she makes my life so different and exciting."

Ken Regan can relate. "The thing that makes a family is love," he observes. "And that we have. We love each other and that makes a family."

And families with single adoptive parents are proving to be successful. The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/) studies adoption issues, and finds that children adopted from foster care are often better off with a single parent, because of the focused nurturing some of these children really need.